light for the lost girl

And we wake in the night in the womb of the world
We beat our fists on the door
We cannot breathe in this sea that swirls
So we groan in this great darkness
For deliverance

So I think I’m going to be trapped in this cycle forever. This constant going back into the same old longing. The desire for things to be right, for the world to be healed, and for me to be well and whole and happy and not alone.

I suppose, in a way, it’s a good thing. This constant desire. Because if I didn’t have it I guess I’d be ignorant; I wouldn’t see the darkness all around me. I wouldn’t know that I am in a world of sin.

I am glad I know it, because I would not want to live without this ache in my bones.

But still, still I groan in this great darkness for deliverance —

And I knew that I had broken
Something I could not repair
And I mourned
And what was good, good, good
Is gone, gone, gone

I break things. Oh God, I break them over and over and over. I break relationships and I break friendships and I break trust and love and promises.

I am broken and I break things and I cannot repair them, and what was good is gone.

And I am still, still here, still waiting for your return, because I do not think that my longing for wholeness can be healed until that day.

Can’t you feel it in your bones
Something isn’t right here
Something that you’ve always known

I guess I didn’t fully realize just how broken the world was until recently. My whole life I have known it, and my whole life I have been fighting it, but certain things make me — see it. So clearly.

The day I said goodbye to him.

The day she told me she lied.

The day I made the choice I could not take back and cried myself to sleep afraid.

The day I left, knowing that when I came back I would not be the same.

Every little girl grows up
And she’s haunted by the heart that died
Longing for the world that was
Before the Fall

Haunted, I will seek you.

Aching, I will praise you.

Dying, I will reach for your gift of life —

Oh Lord, come back soon.

Go back, go back to the ancient paths
Lash your heart to the ancient mast
And hold on, girl, whatever you do
To the hope that’s taken ahold of you
And you’ll find your way

So I will go back. I will go back and I do come back to you, and I will hold tight to the promises that I know are true, and by your help I will find my way to you and your salvation.

But still my thirst is never slaked
I am hounded by a restlessness
Eaten by this endless ache
But still I will give thanks for this

“Come back soon,” I whisper,

and I know that I have never truly meant those words before,

but I mean them now.

I mean them today.

For I am haunted by an endless ache; I am chased by burning desire that will not let me go.

I miss my friends.

I miss the things that I have broken.

I miss my homeland so desperately.

“Come back soon,” I pray, and I mean it.

I want you to know
When the joy that you feel
Leaves a terrible ache in your bones
It’s the voice of Jesus
Calling you back home

All lyrics are from Andrew Peterson’s album Light for the Lost Boy (with some pronoun changes because I’m a girl :)). Highly recommended listening for anyone who sees clearly the brokenness of the world and longs for the day when it is made new.

I have been writing about this for a long time. Many of the poems in my book are about this. I apologize if this is repetitive, but you know what?

I’m going to keep on writing about it until he comes back.

3 thoughts on “light for the lost girl”

  1. *takes a deep breath* Thank you so so much for sharing that!!! It was so beautifully deep and poignant that it made me tear up… I relate so much. ❤ (Oh Andrew Peterson's lyrics are so good!) Also don't apologize because I believe that topic never can get old!

    Liked by 1 person

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