goodbyes

I.

the way you smiled when you
told me that funny story and
all our laughing hours

these small things
made me feel
(almost)
lovable, 
like perhaps i am not broken after
all — 

your laughter, your friendship
what a precious gift they
were
and what a sad permanent thing the
past
tense
can
be.

someday we will be together again,
this side of eternity or
the next 
and
then maybe i will see the good in this.

for now all i have is my goodbye.

---

II.

i thought i was over this,
i thought it didn’t hurt,

but today i am standing here alone on these shoals
and this farewell is painful and messy
and i wish myself younger again,
i wish myself a different person,
i wish the world a different world.

i wish my God a different God.

and then i see my folly.

oh God, you are good. help me to see.

today this hurts.

the storm and the rain on my face and the laughter and the lightning — that was an end.

face sore from smiling, waves spraying in my face as we chased the wind — another end.

perhaps the rest of my life will be endings and beginnings, goodbyes and welcomes,
and perhaps i will never understand.
oh God, help me to glorify you when i do not understand.

my friend, i wish you all the best
until we meet in God’s far country.

---

III.

you know what hurts more than goodbye?

the almost-goodbye.

letting go of someone you never quite knew,

and knowing you cannot know each other well until you stand at God’s throne.

and knowing that it is good.

and the agony of accepting that God’s plan is good

when all you want is to know this one person.

i miss him,

but what i truly miss is

the feeling of being known.

---

IV.

is this aching for a person or
a place?
am i longing for a time i’ve left behind
or a time that’s yet to come?

all i know is i belong
to a King who dwells in Farthestshore.

---

V.

when endings come,
they are sudden.
what hurts more is
remembering it later.

---

VI.

saying goodbye to someone who will never be the same is kind of like tearing out your heart and knowing you can never get it back.

oh God, be with her for me, because i cannot.

go where i cannot go.

hold her fast and draw her home.

---

VII.

i have said goodbye,

and i will say goodbye again,

over and over and over.

until the day when there are no more goodbyes.

and on that far shore,

as the music of the Ainur sings out strong,

may you all be there. may i gather you into my arms

and may we laugh together in the court of our King.

may this aching be replaced with dancing.

may myrtle grow where thorns now tangle.

may these endings lead to the greatest beginning of all,

and may our friendships

never

end.