this doesn’t hurt as much as i think it should

we met seven years ago at family camp. everyone was mean to him, but i felt sorry and wished i was brave enough to be his friend.

we started talking three years ago. we both loved the hobbit. we both enjoyed talking about complicated things.

Lake, Forest, Nature, Landscape, Water, River

we started writing letters two years ago. i wrote the first one (it was the best — and worst — decision i have ever made) and to my surprise he wrote back. and then again, and again.

we started talking on the phone about a year and a half ago. shaking hands, terrified and excited, every. single. time. talking about college and religion and math and humanity. jordan peterson and marvel and lord of the rings and calvin and luther. life. everything.

we met in person (for the first time since three years ago) this summer. i was kind of a wreck but we stood out in the garage and watched the lightning and the wind and rain. we talked about dancing. and the future. and artificial intelligence and books and so many things i don’t remember.

Landscape, Nature, Forest, Mountains

i think we’ve been drifting apart for a long time now, and since we are now ten hours apart, i think we’re really not going to be friends — or anything else — anymore. i think the beautiful conversation in the night and the storm was the end. or close to it.

maybe there will be another letter, or a phone conversation, or maybe we’ll even meet someday.

but i’m pretty sure that the storm and the rain on my face and the laughter and the lightning — i think that was, truly, the end.

and i think it should hurt.

Hiking, Wanderer, Saxon Switzerland, Bears Stone

i think it should hurt so much that i should go curl up and cry forever.

i think it should feel like my world is ending.

but i’ve been so caught up in school, and writing, and other friendships, and good books, and, well, life, that i haven’t had time to mourn.

and even if i had time — somehow i don’t think this would hurt.

well, hurt much.

it does hurt, a little, but in a sort of sweet way. in a “well-this-is-growing-up” way.

the end of this friendship… doesn’t hurt as much as i think it should. as i thought it would.

and so i thank God for the friendship i was given.

i thank him for the lovely, stimulating, thunderstorming gift that it was.

and i pray that, even as i forget and move on, i will remember it for what it really was: a glimpse of eternity, a small look into the beauty of God’s love for me.

God be with you, my friend, until we meet again. i look forward to the day when we’ll have forever to talk about science and ender’s game and frozen ii.

Forest, The Rays, Morning Sun, The Sun'S Rays, Mood

it’s going to be an awfully big adventure, but until then, may God be with you. and me.

8 thoughts on “this doesn’t hurt as much as i think it should”

  1. Wow… that’s so sad! I hope this isn’t really the end. I hope that it’s the beginning of a new chapter for you, full of love, beauty, and friendship. And… perhaps… when the time is right… he will come back into your story and you two will have a friendship stronger and better than ever. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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